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Chauncey M. Depew. 



AFTER DINNER RHYMES 




CHATJN 




BV 



ISAAC H. BROMLEY. 

"delivered at the Annual Dinner of the New York Yale Alumni 
Association. January 23. 1891. Revised and Freshened with Notes by ti 




V</4-2.ol/ 



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Copyright, by the New York PriQting Co., 1891. 







T AM suddenly informed by the publishers that this book 
needs an introduction, and that they are waiting for it. I do 
not know why it is necessary. I shall not pretend that there is 
any excuse for putting the work in permanent form ; no serious 
person has requested it. I have only to say that it was improvised 
several days before it was delivered, in the expectation of being 
unexpectedly called on for impromptu remarks. The lines were 

3 



very well received at the time ; that is to say, they did not break 
up the dinner. There is a change in the meter in the last 
five stanzas, which needs to be explained. I regret to say 
I cannot do it. It differs in many respects from ordinary prose, 
and some persons may at first blush call it poetry. It will 
likewise be observed, however, that it differs in some respects 
from good poetry. Such as it is, it is commended to the char- 
itable judgment of mankind. I f_j g 





RING me honey of Hymettus, 

Bring me stores of Attic Salt, 
I am weary of the commonplace, 

To dullness call a halt!" 






Hymettus. — Any good classical dictionary can tell the reader 
about Hymettus. The most remarkable thing about it is, that at the 
very opening of the poem, it is the only kind of honey which fits the 
metre. It was quite a help to the poet. 




HESE dinner speeches tire me, 

They are tedious, flat and stale ; 
From a hundred thousand banquet tables 
Comes a melancholy wail, 
As a hundred thousand banqueters 

Sit up in evening dress 
And salute each mouldy chestnut 



With a signal of distress." 




H U S spake Jove on high Olympus, 

With a loud resounding roar, 
In the early days of April, 

Eighteen hundred thirty-four. 
Then to Bacchus standing near him, with his retinue of priests, 
Said he, " Bacchus, you're familiar 

With the speeches at these feasts ; 
You, no doubt, can bear them better 

Than the common run of folks ; 
But aren't they getting weary of these old and threadbare jokes?" 



Bacchus.— Bacchus is introduced thus early in the poem, though late in the evening, under the poet's license. He 
had been there some time under Delmonico's. 

8 




Answered Bacchus, as he reached 



And took a bottle from the shelf. 



"Well, to tell the truth, my lupiter, 



I'm getting tired myself." 



Answered Bacchus. — Bacchus was nothing, or scarcely any- 
thing, if not truthful. This is what another poet of an earlier 
period refers to, when he says "magna est Veritas in vino." 







(' I; OU, too, my bully Vulcan, have been 
;7j.||y Sometimes in the reach. 

Of the after-dinner orator 

And after-dinner speech, 
Tell us, my line old blacksmith, 

Does it give you great delight, 
To hear the speakers spouting 

While the guests are getting tight? 
Do the orators and speeches 

Bring you something fresh and new ? 
Speak out, my horny handed. 

Let us hear a word from you ! " 



Vulcan. — It would have been better, of course, not to liave rung in Vukan as an expert in after-dinner speeclies ; 
but tiiere was no other god handy, who fitted the metre ; and it seemed a great deal better to sacrifice the gods to 
the metre than the metre to the gods. 



lO 




r U T old Vulcan, shoeing Pegasus, 



Still held the horse's heel, 



And hardly deigned an answer, but 



Just grunted " Ausgespiel." 



f^ f^ 



" AusGESPiEL." — This would have been better, of course, in Greek ; but the poet 
was pretty much out of Greek ;. and he felt, moreover, that it was only doing the 
tair thing by the language in which most of us take our beer, to bring it to the 
attention ot scholars. 




II 



i*5 






~o" t> ^-^ <? 




URNING then, where John L. Hercules 

Stood leaning on his club, 
Heavy weight among the athletes, 

Anci champion of the Hub, 
Father Jupiter said : " Hercules, 

You're well known as a sport. 
You've attended public dinners too 

Though that is not your forte : 
Tell me which of all your labors can in your mind compare, 
With encountering the speaker on the usual bill of f^ire?" 
" Ah," said Hercules responsive, 

"When t lat duffer takes the floor 
I think of Erymanthus, and 

"^ My tussle with the boar." 

Heavy weight, etc. — A careful reading of this between the lines will disclose a delicate compli- 
ment to a rival — tliat is, in some sense a rival — institution. 

■' I THINK OF Erymanthus and my tussle with 
THE boar." — The reader is cautioned against con- 
necting this remark with the Saturday dinners at 
Boston. They are, as one might say, different. 




12 




13 




NOUGH," cried Father Jupiter, 

"These degenerate sons of men, 
Have lost all versatility 
__________ With either tongue or pen ; 

Bring me honey of Hymettus, 

Bring me stores of Attic salt. 
We will make an end of commonplace. 
To dullness call a halt." 



" We will make an end,'' etc.- — It will be observed that tliis is in the nature ot a repetition. All great poets do 
it. As, for instance, Virgil in his 8th Eclogue, when lie breaks out every few minutes with: " Ducite ab urbe doniuni 
niea carinina, ducite Daphnin." So, too. Homer, in the Odyssey, with his everlasting "I'ov 5' aTtauEifiouEvoi npodBtpy 
7CoXv/n/rii OSvddfvf.'' Then there was that other poet who said: 

"These two lines that look so solemn 
Are put in here to fill a column." 



H 



4 4 n^ HOUGH my altars are deserted, 

And the world no more shall see, 
Eager multitudes at Delhi 

Or Dodona's speaking tree, 
Yet a trick or two is left me 

And 1 think I soon can teach 
These devotees of encores 

How to make a dinner speech." ^^ 



Delhi. — Tliis tloes not refer to Delhi, Delaware County, N. Y. Far 
rom it. 




15 




HEN broke out Oceanus, Mars, 

Poseidon and the rest, 
Crying, '' Put not your decaying powers 



To so severe a test ; 
Remember, there is nothing new remaining to be said, 
Demosthenes and Cicero, and all that gang are dead. 
And the men who did the talking on departure of the ladies. 
Have now for several hundred years been doing time in Hades." 



Poseidon —This is Greek and will be understood by all educated men. If the reader is not an educated man he 
can return the' book and have his money back. It is hardly necessary to point out, that Neptune would have 
broken up the metre. We repeat that in every case we sacrifice the gods to the metre, rather than the metre to the gods. 

Hades.— This again is a return to the Latin. " Sheol" has been rather more in vogue, lately, but it would not 
rhyme. 

l6 







UT the voice of Father Jupiter 

Went thundering through the hall, 
"1 will show you soon an orator 

Who is bound to beat them all." 

Then to nimble-footed Mercury, who stood waiting near the door, 
Disguised as District Messenger, Six Hundred Eighty-Four: 
" Bring me a dimpled baby 

Without blemish, stain or fault, 
1 will touch his lips with honey 

And his tongue with Attic salt; 
He shall be a chosen infant, 1 will guide his youthful feet 
Through teething, mumps and measles, and the perils of the street ; 
To train him for his mission shall be my constant care, 
For he'll be at every table and on every bill of fare." 



District Messenger, Six Hundred Eighty-Four.— The figures are 
taken at random. Any similar number ending in " four " would answer. 
Care was taken, however, that it did not contain a cypher. Whatever 
else happens to this poem, it shall not be attributed to Lord Bacon. 




i8 




P E D Mercury on his errand, 



Hunting through the realms of space, 



For the coming dinner speaker, who 



o 



/^/> 



. c 






1^ . ' y 



Should not talk commonplace. 







^/,Ay 




19 




OT long the search, for Mercury 

By Jove divinely sent, 
To Peekskili-on-the-Hudson 

His hurried footsteps bent ; 
Found there a dimpled baby 

hi his cradle, calm and still, 
A wise, precocious infiint, who 

Seemed just to fill the bill. 



20 




21 





HEN hurryin.o: back to Jupiter 



At once addressed him thus; 



" May it please your Royal Highness, 



1 think Tve found the cuss. 



''1 THINK I've found the cuss." — It is not impossible tiiat this line will 
provoke criticism, partly on account of the sudden transition, but chietly on 
account of the spelling. But it is believed that it has local color ; and it will 
be observed, that when Mercury "addressed him thus," he could not have 
found anything else without breaking up the whole poem. 




22 




Then 
''Oh, 



O which great Jove, with dignity, impressively replied, 
"Go not too fast, my Mercury; you know "twould ill betide 
Our prestige on Olympus, if, 

By any sad mistake 
You've missed the coming orator and 
Struck a Peekskill fake. 
Tell me, I pray you, frankly, 

By what distinguished sign 
Discovered you at Peekskill 

This orator divine ? " 
answered nimble Mercury, with a giggle and a grin, 
I knew him in a minute by the looseness of his chin." 



"Oh, I KNEW HIM IN A MINUTE." — The reader can hardly understand how difficult it is to "freshen up" a poem of this 
character "with copious notes;" but the publishers have promised that it shall be freshened up in that way, and the author 
is religiously trying to do it. There is nothing to be said about this page ; and this remark is injected in order to make the 
notes more "copious." 



24 



-ffK: m.-Tj^'^ ^Mh^^ 







LL right," said Father Jupiter, 

"You fill my soul with joy; 
Call all the gods and goddesses, 

We'll go and see the boy J 




^ 



25 




O this Gn^co-Roman circus, 

From regions far remote 
Got off at Peekskill landing 

From the Friday evening boat. 
There was Neptune with his trident, 
Apollo with his bow, 
John L. Hercules and Jupiter — 

The whole Olympian show. 
And they marched to where young Mercury, 
With instinct sure and true, 
Had found the coming orator 

Young Chauncey M. Depew. 

From the Friday evening boat. — Absolute historical accuracy is not aimed at. It may have been some other evening. 
Purchasers of the poem, who have any superstition regarding Friday evening, are at liberty to substitute some other 
evening. 

Young Chauncey M. Depew. — Notwithstanding the suddenness of tliis disclosure, the President of the Association 
maintained entire self-possession. 

27 




c 



HEN cried Jupiter in ecstacy, 

"We've found the coming man, 
He will make an end of dullness 



If anybody can." 




29 




30 




O sweeten up his eloquence, 

Let him early learn to sip 
This honey of Hymettus 

Which 1 lay upon his lip ; 
It will dulcify his utterance 

And keep his voice in tune " — 
While Jupiter was talking, 

The baby bit the spoon. 
And Mercury, interrupting, as he stood beside the cradle 
Spoke up, "Oh, throw the spoon away and feed him with a ladle." 



"Oh, throw the spoon away." — Again, a touch of local color. Not perhaps Olympian, or Homeric, but quite in the 
familiar manner of the District Messenger. 

31 





HIS Attic salt," said Father Jove, 

"Will keep him extra dry;" 
At which the boy looked up, 

And dropped the corner of his eye. 
Precocious boy," cried Bacchus; "how natural to think " 

That when you've got him extra dry you'll ask him up to drink. 
But never since the heavenly hosts 

With all the Titans strove 
Saw I an infiint have the gall 

To wink at Father Jove." 



Extra Dry. — Here is an opportunity to bring in an advertisement of somebody's champagne. Tiie publisiiers point 
with pride to the patent fact, that the temptation was resisted. It is believed that the absence of mercenary motives is 
rather conspicuously manifest tiiroughout the entire work. Its sole purpose is to make men better. 



32 




h NOUGH of this," said Jupiter, 



Success has crowned our search ; 



Let the baby now be christened 



In the Presbyterian church 



In the Presbyterian church. — Here is anotlier instance of iiow Providence seemed somehow to be 
arranging for this poem from an early period. As a matter of tact, Chauncey was christened in the 
Presbyterian church. Any one can see what havoc it would have made with the verse, had he been 
christened in the Episcopal church, it ought to be added, in all candor, iiowever, that it would not 
have made the slightest difference if he had not been christened at all. No true poet ever permits 
himself to be hampered by facts. All that sort of thing is knocked out by the license. 



33 




ITH the training that should fit him 



For his singular career, 



Until Eighteen Hundred Fifty-Two 



Jove did not interfere ; 



Then, lest by misdirection, 



His experiment should fail, 



He peremptorily ordered that 



The boy be sent to Yale, 



34 







HERE the father of the gods knew 

The advantage it would be 
To have him get acquainted 

With the class of '53. 
On the College fence accordingly 

The young man went and roosted 
By the voluble and soon-to-be 

Bald-headed Jimmy Husted. 

The class of '53. — Yes, this is tiie same class. It has been mentioned in print heretofore. 

The soo'n-to-be bald-headed Jimmy Husted. — In 1852, the crop of hair in college was so abundant, that the college 
fence might easily have been mistaken for a Spiritualist camp meeting. General James W. Husted, here familiarly and 
affectionately called "Jimmy," under the license taken out for the poem, had at that time hair, as can be proved, if 
necessary, by affidavits. 

35 



HEN the years rolled along ; 




Old toasts and old speeches, 



Sucked the life-blood of fun 



From the table like leeches, 






Then the years rolled along. — The break in tlie metre 
begins here. Warning of the same is given by a dash line, in 
order that the reader need not be precipitated hurriedly over 
into it, so suddenly as to double him up. 



36 




N D the tedious old-timer 



Inflicted his hearer 



With chestnuts whose vintage 



Outranked the Madeira. 



While the guests who had paid 



For this banquet of soul, 



Resorted to drowning 



Their grief in the bowl. 



n 




HEN over the banquet 



Arose in full view 



The fairy-like figure 



Of Chauncey Depew. 



38 




O need to describe him, you all know him well, 

For what Yale alumnus hath not felt the spell 
Of the wit and ihe wisdom. 

The charm and the grace 
Upon every occasion, 

Whatever the place, 
He diffuses about him? It need only be said 
Where he sits at the table is always the head. 
Alumni and Ball Nine, 

Eleven and the Crew 
All throw up their hats 

For Chauncey Depew. 
40 







.■'A. 



E ' S been dining and speaking 

For years near a store ; 
He has routed the chestnut, 

Evicted the bore, 
No table's without him, 

No dinner complete ; 
The fun always waits 

Till he gets on his feet ; 
Making all men his friends 

Without seeming to try, 
Now he prays with the pious, 

Now drinks with the dry. 
Always sweet as the daisy 

And fresh as the dew, 
No fly ever lighted 

On Chauncey Depew. 



41 





IS religion is varied, 

His politics checkered, 
But in making of speeches 



He's broken the record. 



He's our model for eloquence, 



Pattern for style. 



Exemplar of morals 



And freedom from guile ; 



42 




: O when, as quite often 



It Cometh to pass 



We practice our speeches 



hi front of the glass, 



And the Madame, bewildered. 



Says, "What are you doing?" 



Our only reply is, 



I'm Chauncey Depewing." 



43 



,/.■; ■;,; / a 




44 




T may be to-night, that, as Madame foreboded, 

Because Chauncey's always so, you'll ,^o home loaded. 
Of some old college song you'll be humming a snatch, 
While fumbling around in your room for a match. 
'When all of a sudden, 

You're knocked off your centre 
By recalling his sweet 

'Eyrea TrrepoevTa. 

Then if some one inquires, ''My dear John, are you slewed?" 
You need only to say, "No, I'm Chauncey Depew-ed." 

^Enea TtrepoEvra. — The propriety, if not absolute necessity, for bringing in a little Greek on such an occasion, 
will be recognized by intelligent men. This seemed to be the last chance to give the work a scholarly turn. It was 
received with enthusiasm ; and the author took pains to translate it to the guests who waited upon him privately for that 
purpose. 

45 




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